THE BRUTALLY HONEST MYTH OF THE LUNAR HOROSCOPE

Once upon a chaotic time, the Jade Emperor decided to host a race to determine which animals would earn a spot in the zodiac lunar calendar.

Why a race? Because why not pit animals against each other for eternal bragging rights? Classic celestial chaos.
 
The Stakes? Immortal zodiac fame.

The Rules? Get to the finish line however you can. No one mentioned ethics, so naturally, things got messy.

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1ST PLACE: THE RAT - THE ORIGINAL HUSTLER
(1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020)

The Rat, knowing it had zero chance in a fair race, hitched a ride on the Ox’s back.
Just when the finish line was in sight, it leapt off, claiming first place. Was it genius? Yes. Was it shady? Also yes.

Lesson: life’s not about playing fair; it’s about playing smart.

2ND PLACE: THE OX - TOO PURE FOR THIS RACE
(1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021)

The Ox came in second, not because it was not fast, but because it let the Rat hitch a ride.
Why? Because the Ox is basically that friend who always says “yes” even when they should not.

Let’s be honest, the Ox deserves a trophy for patience, if nothing else.

3RD PLACE:  THE TIGER - A WET CAT STORY
(1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022)

The Tiger charged ahead, roaring with confidence. But when it came to crossing the river, things went damp. It clawed its way to third place, looking like a soaked tabby and feeling just as grumpy. Moral: bravery is great, but it does not keep you dry.

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4TH PLACE: THE RABBIT - DEFYING LOGIC 
(1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023)

The Rabbit, master of improbable solutions, floated across the river on a log.
Was this a planned strategy or sheer dumb luck? We will never know.
What we do know: fourth place went to a fluffy creature who basically said, “Physics? Never heard of her.”

5TH PLACE: THE DRAGON - HERO COMPLEX DETOUR
(1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024)

The Dragon, who could have flown to first, came in fifth.
Why? It stopped to help villagers in need. Noble, sure. But also, it is a dragon.
 How do you lose to a rabbit on a log? Classic overachiever problem: too busy saving the day to actually win.


6TH PLACE: THE SNAKE - SSSNEAKY VICTORY 
(1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025)

The Snake slithered in sixth by scaring the Horse into a full-blown gallop-panic.
Classic Snake move. Slimy, sneaky, but undeniably effective.

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7TH PLACE: THE HORSE - A DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT
(1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026)

The Horse should have been in the top five, but a run-in with the Snake knocked it down to seventh.
It crossed the finish line still side-eyeing the Snake, probably planning some serious revenge.

8TH, 9TH and 10TH PLACES: The Goat, Monkey, and Rooster: the Odd Squad. These three got creative, building a raft to cross the river together. A goat, a monkey, and a rooster in a team-up? It sounds like the start of a bad joke, but it worked. Lesson: sometimes, teamwork really does make the dream work.

8TH PLACE: THE GOAT - THE RELUCTANT ADVENTURER

(1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027)

The Goat did not sign up for this nonsense, but here it was, rafting its way to eighth place.
With a steady hoof and a lot of side-eyeing its raft mates, it somehow kept everyone afloat. Pragmatic, patient, and probably low-key over it, the Goat proved that survival is sometimes about staying calm when everyone else is losing their minds.
Lesson: slow and steady does not win, but it does survive.

9TH PLACE: THE MONKEY - THE CHAOS COORDINATOR 
(1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028)

The Monkey did not just raft; it made rafting fun. Swinging from tree to tree to gather supplies, cracking jokes mid-river, and definitely being the loudest voice on the raft, the Monkey turned ninth place into a performance art piece.
 Lesson: when you have got flair, even losing looks good.

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10TH PLACE: THE ROOSTER - THE FEATHERED FOREMAN 
(1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029)

Let’s be real, The raft would not have made it without the Rooster. Barking orders, pointing out the current’s direction, and probably micromanaging every paddle stroke, the Rooster navigated its way to tenth place. It might not have been the fastest, but it sure made sure everyone knew who was in charge.
Lesson: leadership is not about winning, it is about crowing the loudest when you don’t.

11TH PLACE: THE DOG - SELF CARE QUEEN
(1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018,2030)

The Dog, halfway through the race, decided it was bath time. Because why run when you can have a spa moment?
Priorities: impeccable. Placement: not so much.

12TH PLACE: THE PIG - SNACK ATTACK
(1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031)

Dead last was the Pig, who stopped for a snack midway through. Honestly, relatable. Why win when you can enjoy a good meal? The Pig arrived at the finish line full, happy, and completely unbothered.

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Rat-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Rat | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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OX-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

OX | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Tiger | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Rabbit-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Rabbit | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Dragon-lunar-art-print-brut-cuemars

Dragon | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Snake-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Snake | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Horse-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Horse | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Goat-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Goat | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Monkey-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Monkey | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Rooster-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Rooster | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Dog-brut-lunar-star-sign-print

Dog | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00
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Pig-lunar-star-sign-print-brut-cuemars

Pig | Lunar Star Sign

£35.00